Motherhood, Mothers, Mother in Laws, Grandmothers

 And so Gentle Reader, we find ourselves once again with Mother’s Day rearing its head, testing our patience, and confusing our emotions. I have knowingly survived 52 years of any or all the above titled mothers to deal with. What a bizarre mind game it was/is.

 

Motherhood

That condition which you find yourself in whether you have given birth, adopted, simply taken in, or been adopted by another person in one of its various states of being, or have a pet.

Those loving people who dedicated themselves to you, or a pet, with unconditional love.

or

Simply found themselves in the state of motherhood and stayed present keeping you alive until you left.

 

Mothers

I am familiar with a few kinds of Mothers as we are all different.

 

Birth Mothers sacrifice their own identity and physical well being to bring you here as a person instead of the parasite you were inside of her. You were using up all her nutrition, brain capacity, and altering her body forever leaving scars in your wake before you came screaming into the harsh light.

While you were there everyone told her horror stories about death and pain and things that will never be the same in not a good way only to finish each story with “It is worth it” and no one believes completely.

 

Even before you are born your mother had to deal with her stomach being public property and every stranger trying to touch her/you. Anyone and everyone cooing and awing or staring trying to decide if she was just fat. She was no longer <insert name here>, she was now the “Little Mother” until she was simply Mom.  Her brain literally shrank and in some countries is considered legally insane until you are born. It is helpful if she has a murder in mind but otherwise not so much. She found herself stuffing awful things in her mouth to satisfy the weird desires masquerading as your nutritional needs which you hormonally demanded.

She thought of all these things over the next few years when you spat food at her, vomited and peed on her, developed rashes & injuries, and woke her up to the point of several years of sleep deprivation. She thought about how for those nine months almost a year of her life, her taste buds were bizarre, morning sickness, her squished and kicked bladder, hemorrhoids, stretch marks, and mostly how preventing sleep is used as a torture in places and it works or drives you mad. Some birth mothers also think about sitz baths and stiches in various places some very delicate and some very dangerous.

 

But now you are here, you may have been adopted, chosen from the litter, or inherited by a relative who is now your parent like or not, or ordered from the surrogate service. You are reeking havoc on the mothers and fathers that now have possession of you.

Fathers have their own day and their own issues many the same once you are a certain size and state of psychosis. Remember a skull is not even fully sealed never mind have a fully functioning frontal lobe for some time. Teenagers are all lizard brained while testing out new and scary personalities. They would rank more as sociopaths at that stage.

 

There are other kinds of mothers too and for them this day is very sad, and they avoid it. My heart goes out to those who have had a child die at any stage of life or motherhood. A parent should never bury a child, the only thing worse is to bury a spouse or partner, someone you have chosen to be with until death preferably your death, much, much, later in life.

Mothers who chose to give up a child to adoption are strong and rational and put themselves last in the decision, and always wonder, always. Mothers who have had an abortion are like this too and their reasons are all sound and good. Yes, they are mothers and yes, it is their business not yours.

Mothers of lost children never give up hope of finding them and are always terrified to find out their child is dead. As long as they are not found they are not dead just lost.

Foster mothers are important too, you are with them briefly or for a long time, you come with baggage and pain and fear often but no belongings.  They have photos and memory books, but they do not have a front row sit to the entire play that is your life.

My Mother 

I have talked to you about my mother before and she is in a category all her own. A conundrum of sorts, a puzzle never truly solved with secrets never known. Every girl struggles with their mother and every son has an adoration for her that becomes something quite amazing in adulthood.  Some girls become best friends with their mothers while some of us never stop feeling her eyes and hearing her voice even when she is not there, and it is not always good.
But I always revered her, and mothers’ day was never forgotten. It is in March in England and the tradition for our family was to give her a special fine china cup and saucer to add to the china-cabinet. I stopped doing this at a certain point and found new things that suited her far better and did not collect dust laden with memories of children lost. She however, made sure on my first mothers’ day I had a cup and saucer. Not fine china for the cabinet but holding a flower arrangement and the card read it was from my infant son.

 

Mother in Laws

They are gift that keeps on giving. Giving you back handed compliments and offers to help or teach you how to do something right, giving you surprises when something happens that feels sincere and maybe just maybe you have finally passed her tests.

As I said before daughters and sons have different relationship with their own mothers and mother in laws are a whole new ball game. That mother that made her daughter crazy all her life and still is source of pain will suddenly turn into a ravaging bear if anyone else but her causes her daughter pain in the slightest. That mother with the adoring son will test you for years and years, never sure you are good enough and always worried you will take her son away for good never to see him again. She is cunning and seems so sweet and helpless. All you can do is stand your ground, remember you have created a new family now that should come first and try your best to sympathise with her until the day (should it ever come) that she considers you one of her own.

 

I have had two mothers in law in my life, the first I will not discuss and the current I am happy to say we have reached détente. It was years in the making and is a delicate thing. It is nice to not feel so much like an orphan now my parents are dead, and I am happy we are at this point.

 

Grandmothers

Wow that is a strange bunch those grandmothers who have been there done that and lived to tell the tale. They fawn over grandchildren and sometime bring up pangs of envy and jealousy in the parents. I am an honourary grandmother and my title is crazy Grandma, so I am not confused with the other 2 bio-Grandmas. I have taken that remarkable boy into my heart and though I do not get to see him often anymore he is never far from me. He also has a brother now that I have never met but he is mine too whether he likes it or not.

 

 

There are other Mothers

I have not mentioned Stepmothers for a couple of reasons. Stepparents are either amazing people or horrid. Most would never realize they are a “step” parent because family is not about blood but how you treat each other. I have lot of examples to work with including a Step Monster of my own. I also have a father that was technically my “step” father but not to us.  He was the father of my heart and one of the last things he ever said to me was “Never let anyone tell you that you were not my daughter or I your father.” Some day I will tell you about him but not today, I have misted up with just the small bit here. Fifteen years since his death and miss him every day and mist up all over again when the memories are too close or vivid.

 

I am a birth mother, a gave a child up for adoption mother, a chose to end a pregnancy mother, an adopted by someone else’s kid a few times over mother, and an “I wish you were my mother” mother.
I was a single mother before I got married and I am an honouary Grandma now I also have pets that are just like children especially now my son has grown up and started his own life. I have friends that chose not to be a mother and that is okay too. For a long while I thought that being a mom was something I was supposed to be. I questioned if I became a mother for me really or other reasons. I am not sure I really was supposed to be a mom, but I took it seriously and did the best I could.
 

I must have done something right because I have a son that has good manners (including table) and a huge kind and giving heart. He is a good man, and he does the right thing even if that is not necessarily right in everyone’s opinion. He thinks for himself, and he questions things instead of blind faith. He also believes in Santa Claus because he knows Santa is simply the image that represents something far greater and can only truly be felt – the spirit of the season. He knows magic is just something science has not explained yet. He loves learning and values knowledge, truth, and facts. He is everything I ever wished for him to be and can only wish for more great things for him in the future.

He may have been a slow starter, but he has a long run ahead of him still and can catch up what he missed.

 

And so Gentle Reader no matter what kind of Mom you have or are or wish you were, you can still be a different kind if you open your heart. Everyone needs a mom; she doesn’t have to be the one you got by accident of your birth. She can be the one you chose, or you can be chosen. Just be the one who listens, does not judge, and knows the past is gone and the here and now matter most. I am also the kind of mom that feeds you full of food you love until you might burst – it is how I tend to express love. Find your language to express love and use it often.