My own personal groundhog day

Here I am again, somehow sucked back in time a few decades and no way out.

As you have guessed from the GenX I lived through the last time Russia (USSR then) threw a tantrum and got twitchy near the big red button. I lived through Roe vs Wade the first time. I lived through Reganomics and inflation just like we have right now. I also lived through my mother until I left home a little sooner than originally planned, slightly unexpectedly but it was a matter of personal survival.

If I wanted to survive as an individual entity I had to leave the cube. (For those of you that are not trekkies it is a Borg reference.)

That is right I gave up half my ability to earn an income, luckily I can keep the other half remotely, and drove 1990 kms again to come stay in  a two bedroom apartment to care for my elderly mother. This is not the first time and in spite how everyone was acting it doesn't look like it will be the last time either.
I suppose a little background might make this easier on you. I left home after finishing Grade 12. I could not force myself to do the last 4 courses required for my Grade 13. My mother was very adamant about the rules as long as I was in school it was one thing but not in school I was a tenant which is fair - she took 10 percent of each pay cheque. But I was not really a tenant as all the other rules of my mother's house still applied including the curfew and Victorian expectations of my overall existence. Do not confuse these rules with raising me that I was expected to do myself. So I went out into the world with my best friend and we had a wild ride.

The 70's I was old enough to know important things were going on but too young to fully understand the ramifications or have any control of anything. In my lifetime women fought for and eventually gained some ground for personal autonomy and financial rights.  The 70's were a time of huge change the US had Roe v Wade and we had Canadian Equal Credit Act.

Roe v Wade particularly strikes a chord with me, I am the poster child for pro choice. A teen pregnancy that chose adoption but was given the option for abortion, raised a son as a single parent starting in my late 20's, had an abortion, married late in life resulting in more procreation decisions and choices. The Canadian legalities around abortion are as clear as mud but far safer and deeper entrenched thanks to our Charter of Rights and Freedoms.

The 80's I lived in a two bedroom apartment with my mother and eventually a bungalow house with Mom and Dad (he was my step dad technically but that is another story - he was Dad).
My mother's best friend was also an immigrant to Canada but while my mother spent her childhood ducking German bombs "Aunt" Ilse was ducking Allied ones. Aunt Ilse told us of when the Berlin wall went up and one day she left Canada and returned to Germany - it was less than a year later the wall came down and she was there for that too - that always stuck with me.

I have been well off, middle class, on the edge of poverty, on welfare, and stable but teetering on the brink of financial disaster in my life. I have made bad choices, failed to see the future coming at me like a freight train, and lived for today because tomorrow was not promised. I know when I did it to myself or outside forces contributed to my current state. Currently it is not our fault, the US is in the death throws of serious change and the world is going along for the ride as the USA circles the drain. 

And so it begins again

I tend to live the existential existence of always being 20 something in my mind - because who wants to get old really? We are all going to die might as well enjoy what we have while we have it. But old is inevitable, bodies break down and heart conditions and cancers creep up on you and one day you find yourself driving 1990 kms to live again in a two bedroom apartment with your mother while Russia tries to recapture the good old days of the Soviet Union and a handful of very old very rich men in the US panic that they are finally losing control and try to stuff the genie back into the bottle with fear.

I did this once before - late April 2020 - while having a diagnostic test for cancer Mom decided to have a heart attack. So I packed up somethings, and drove across Covid ravaged Canada to come stay for 3 months. Unlike the stroke several years before I was told this time. Mom decided to tell everyone I didn't care so they were not allowed to let me know about the stroke. Like good little boy scouts the orders were obeyed. No one bothered to inquire as to why I was incommunicado for the most part - for all they new I was finally dead, took that plunge, or had disappeared inside my mind and never came back out. But I sure got an earful about how awful I was. We do not acknowledge or discuss weakness in my family especially if it does not involve x rays or diagnostic tests.

This trip was not the same as the last in so many ways. First off, turns out it could have been prevented. Secondly it was forced to move up from a planned trip by two weeks on zero notice. Thirdly the universe tried to hold me back and I didn't listen. 
I quickly packed a few things trying to figure out how to be prepared for winter, spring, and summer weather all in the same day that would eventually turn into an Ontario summer with the least amount of items and from what currently fit after 2 years of covid house arrest and eating. For those of you that have never been to Ontario in summer it means breathing soup for days on end and being basted in sweat like a roasting turkey.

My husband had duty watch the day before I was to leave so gone for 24 hours and it left me to deal with it all on my own. Not a big problem but certainly not something I was as used to anymore. The mechanic fell down on the job, yes he changed my studded tires out for the summer ones but failed to notice my shocks rotted through. In addition, some guy waiting on his own car being attended to decided to help out with mine. I never said anything, my mind was not at its best and that was the tire behind which the sensor controlling my ABS and traction control linked to my hilltop start and 4WD drive failed at the point of no turning back.

Half the banks had issues with their systems the day I left and I forgot to grab any cash. My first stop for gas 3 hours and 294 km into this journey was cash only. So I hopped to the next one and prayed a little.  They had a different system and with a full tank, cash in my purse, and feeling much better I set off on what should have been an easy 4 hour drive to my first rest stop.

Nope that is when the sensor lit up my dashboard, first ABS and then traction control. Not the first time one of these sensors failed so I was partially prepared after all it might just need a computer reset. The other things were not going off and it still felt okay, the lights were solid not flashing and I had road side assistance. Hope springs eternal as they say and I was already beyond civilization approaching 4 pm on a Saturday in the middle of nowhere NB. Hope was all I had going for me. Watching my gas I realized my final destination was going to be rolled into on fumes so best stop one last time. That is when the hilltop assist start and the 4WD drive decided to inform me they were no longer available until I got them a new sensor. Well no turning back now onwards I go watching for the lights to start flashing and I get to my hotel.

I did not take my bags in right away - not sure why but that feeling was there so I listened. Sure as fate no room at the inn. My late check in was missed my room was gone and I was possibly screwed. Limping along I did get to a hotel that would take me in. 
After a small panic slash frustration attack and personal pity party I got some food and made a plan A and a plan B. If you do not have a plan B then you really never had a plan A my Dad always taught me. Well there was nothing in the way of a mechanic available Sunday so extending my stay another day and sleeping pretty much all of Sunday I got up twitchy and called mechanics. The Gods and Goddesses smiled on me, I checked out and carefully drove to the mechanic who after 3.5 hours and $1,200 got me back on the road. He noticed the shocks and yes it was that sensor and I can't thank him enough.

Back on the road and cell phone refusing to pick up a tower for a call but strangely allowing me to text I decided to top up the gas tank and hit the road and periodically try my phone until it got its act together. I was in QC and I had faithfully confirmed 3 times that google maps was using the toll road around Montreal. I was feeling much better and glad I had decided not to push through with lights on my dashboard only to die by the side of the highway in a foreign province. The hospital had confirmed that they would keep Mom until I got there to dig a hole big enough for her. Yes it is a joke and yes it was bantered about between me and the hospital and no I did not dig it.

Well we are approaching where I should be exiting for the toll road and a quick glance at google maps makes me think something is not right. I look up to see auto route 30 Ontario sign - the only exit from previous experience - slide by 3 lanes to my right and dead stop traffic ahead. Insert several foul words here. I jump off, possible scaring a few drivers behind me, into an industrial park and have a fight with google maps. Eventually I do get to my toll road - farther along then I would have liked and after getting an interesting tour of a part of Montreal I have never seen while narrowly escaping a trip to see US border patrol and explaining no I do not have a passport and no I had not intention of trying to enter NY state and trust me I really dislike the thought of being in your country send me back now.

You can take the girl out of Ontario but

As I cross the QC / ON border a wave of relief washes over me. I stop in familiar Bainsville at the ever popular Enroute for a timmies, some gas and a chance to get the circulation in my ass back. I am rejuvenated and thinking I could get the rest of the way at this point sometime after midnite is a great time to go through Toronto. I have only been driving for 6 or 7 hours at this point and I only have 6 more hours to go. Better judgement stepped in and I texted my mother in law - I am only 3.5 hours away google maps says can I stay with you tonite? I should be there 9:30 or 10:30 at the latest.

Yeah 3.5 hours - google maps lies - but that is not news to me at this point and yet I still believed her.

I am cheerfully driving along enjoying the drastic difference between a have and a have not province, drinking in the colours and smells of an agricultural province instead of one made of rocks and trees and crashing ocean waves. The constant signs informing me traffic is moving well to exit whatever and knowing I am in the home stretch of what feels like the longest trip I have ever taken. But google starts to chatter about optional routes and the electronic signs are warning of delays ahead 28 minutes at exit 666, then 29 minutes, 31 minutes and it is dusk soon to be dark and we come to a stop.

Just me and some 200 or so tractor trailors and the odd car sitting and occasionally rolling forward for 45 minutes until we squeeze 1 by 1 through a very short span of highway down to one lane. Well I am going to be a little later than planned but still not bad I gave a big window with that hour or did I? I am in a different time zone now and the clock in the car is still ADT or AST whichever one you end up in when you spring forward, google is what ever time she feels being at the moment, and I have completely lost track of when I started anything never mind how long it has been. The smattering of rain didn't last and the end of lane reduction is in sight so we are good. At least I think so.

The severe weather warning was about to be no longer a warning but an event. Lightening pulsed in the sky which opened into a torrential downpour like you only get in Ontario when the temperatures are starting to rise. I really should have made sure those new windshield wipers I ordered in December made it onto the car.  The highway also opened up but all I can see is black and taillights. No idea where the road meets the shoulder and barely any idea which lane or lanes I am in. Eighty-five kms of following the taillights and passing the paranoid at less than average highway speeds puts me at my turn off well past my expected arrival time. The skies clear and I am now careening down a county highway around curves and without signs or much in the way of landmarks in the pitch dark to a place I have never driven to and only been a passenger twice before. Found it.

My poor mother in law she was getting worried and sleepy and I show up wired for sound and stressed out. She feeds me a turkey sandwich and listens to my babbling before I insist she go to bed at 1 am. I finally drift off by 2 am. In the morning I am up at 7 and know I need to hit the road but I don't want to sneak out the door leaving a note or wake her up so I wait. She is up in a bit makes me breakfast and I know I am behind schedule but part of me wanted to stay where I was, it is peaceful and lovely and there are horses.

I gas up at the 401, good old familiar 401, and my gastro intestinal system commits a crime in a PetroCan washroom. I really should send them an apology note. A spin thru the timmies drive thru and I am on my way. Thinking Toronto and the construction are going to leave me stuck crawling along for horrid expanses of travel I came prepared with snacks and beverages but not too much beverage as there are no convenient places to stop and pee from New Castle to Cambridge. But I am home and the Gods and Goddesses are still smiling and I breeze thru to Cambridge for some gas, a quick change of  shirt and the revival of blood flow to my tush.  

I am not far from the end, I have found a decent radio station, the transports are spaced out now, and the landmarks familiar to the point of evoking emotional responses. This was my stomping grounds for a few decades, I have literally driven some of these roads in my sleep. I pull in and my parking spot is still there, I grab a couple bags and head off to get my apartment key. Everything should be easy peasey right? Nope my keys are with a neighbour who went shopping I can get inot the building I have that key but the apartment key is at Walmart. The superintendent is no where to be found, and I am running out of adrenaline, did I mention it suddenly started snowing?

I do get in eventually and unpacked, I ordered delivery and got some rest. Still lots to do and an appointment at hospital tomorrow.

It is going to be a long summer but it might not be as bad as it feels. On my journey so far I have encountered the kindness of strangers that you only read about in dusty old southern novels and plays. The waitress that broke covid protocol to hand me a box of kleenex, the fellow travelers that offered good wishes and thoughts on mechanics, the vending machine service man that handed me a coke from the broken machine - no charge, the neighbour that let me leave my things inside his door while I hunted down my key, the food delivery men that were company to a lonely traveler if only for a minute or two it means a lot when you know the faster they work the more income they make (been there done that).

I know I am missing so many I met along the way but more than anything there were a couple of people that have no reason to care, they are co workers technically, but have become so much more and they checked in and listened and made me feel not so alone in the world.

My husband was there on the phone too, but as a Navy wife with far too many long deployments and operational gremlin incidents under my belt, I am grateful for that but it is not the same. We are a team that functions as well apart as together and it is how we are designed - to never have to count on each other except in the knowledge that I will keep our lives intact until he gets home and he will do everything he can to get home and not worry about us while he is doing his job. This reverse deployment where he stays home and I am away is like that.

So Gentle Reader I have bent your ear long enough
I got here in one piece
and so my endless repetitive days soon really begin

Until next week